In the Waiting....

 Waiting! That seems to be a very common theme in my life over the last few years!  But today I looked up the word wait and this is what it said:

1. To remain inactive or in a state ofrepose
2. to be available or inreadiness
3. to continue as one is in expectation of;await

Number 2 might be my favorite,  in the season of waiting, I definitely want to be available to whatever the Lord would have for me to do and to be! Actually, I love that word available because when we set our hearts and our minds  to be available, God can use us! So instead of saying, I'm waiting... what would it look like if I started saying,  I'm AVAILABLE  for whatever the Lord has?

And what does the Bible say about waiting?

“Wait patiently for the LORD. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭27:14‬ ‭

I love this encouragement from David! Even David had to wait on the Lord often, and I don't mean just once or twice but again and again and again! So if David can wait so can I!  And as David waited on the Lord, the Lord directed him!  Not only did he directed him but he sat with him,  even in the waiting the Lord was right there with him! 

So as I sit essentially jobless  at the moment!  Because I told the school in Cleveland no,  because I did not have the Lords peace upon it! I do you sit here with great peace knowing that the Lord is caring for my every moment! So as I sit and wait on August 22 to come, to see if Africa is indeed where the Lord would have me to teach! I choose to make available my new word,  so instead of saying I am waiting I am going to say, "I'm available for whatever the Lord has for me!"

Dear Future Me!

 Dear future me,
Right now as you sit in a time of  time of uncertainty and the unknown, know that God is absolutely in control! Right now it may not make much sense not knowing the future not knowing where I'm going to teach not knowing where I am going to live!  No one else may understand, but I know that you told me to just wait on you Lord! So are they wait I know that you were going to teach me so much dear Lord and I know that when I look back in a month or maybe two months or year I'm going to see how very much that the Lord has seminary life! But I have to say it's hard when my family and people around me  I trying to find me jobs and trying to tell me that I need to know what I'm doing! But I know my biggest job right now is to wait on you Lord! So right now I'm in a crossroad I trying to decide if I'm supposed to teach in Cleveland at the charter school or am I  supposed to go to Papa New Guinea or to Africa??? But thank you Lord that you know  Lord what exactly my future holds!  I thought for sure but now I would know what I was doing! I'm trying to learn and be sensitive to your voice in knowing what to do if I should act or sit still or tell one school know that I can't come or yes to another school although I know for sure is I want to be within your will Lord! Also I do know  that you gave me a piece about not filling out the big application process for the public schools I know too many that makes no sense but I know you told me not to do it! Thank you for your peace! Lord please give me peace about the decision that I am to make in the near future or whenever you would see fit! Lord would you show me what it is that you woul have me to do?
 Thank you that you are teaching me in the season! Thank you for my friend Tish who's willing to listen and think you got you given her a like mine to understand! Thank you for her prayers and your listening ears and for her understanding and for her with them! Her friendship is a blessing! Thank you Lord for your word that you're teaching me so much as it been reading your word and devotions to go with it Lord I Thank you  that this has been a season of growth! A season of learning to trust your faithfulness for me! Thank you for the two weeks of rest so far and for  this third week  I am in now thank you so much for rest and a break from school!  Thank you that I've been able to be a part of helping Emily get ready for her wedding shower and her wedding to come! Thank you for cold air conditioning on hot summer days and nights thank you for a place to sleep and think you for my family! I do pray for my family that they would come to know you  Jesus  that they were desire the things of you that they would no longer turn their back towards you but that you would give them a hunger and desire to know you and to have you be a part of their lives! I know that you can do it Lord I pray for healing in the marriage of my mom and dad and a paver salvation for Ben and Zach that they would turn the hearts to you! Thank you Jesus for moments of friendship with Tish and Emily and Hannah!  Thank you for continuously revealing yourself to me as in learning more more about your character the character of God thank you for showing me more about myself what I need to work on what are my strengths and what my weaknesses are!  Thank you is your teaching me about my strengths and weaknesses that you were teaching me that I have to be stronger and that I can't let my emotions control me nor can I put so much expectation on my friend Tish because I know that it hurts her and it affects our friendship so blurred would you continuously help me to give every emotion TU hope at the come under control I pay rebalance Lord Jesus that you just help me to control my emotions the way they need to, help me to find that balance in when and how to share help me not to hold my heart in and put it all on one person but help me to come to you first I think you guy am growing in the Syria but I pray for your continued guidance I know that you will help me!Thank you that you do not give up on me I think you for your grace and your mercy and I even think you got in these past few weeks you've been teaching me that I need to have mercy the way that Jonah had to have mercy even when it doesn't make sense or too hard Lord would you continuously help me to  show that grace and mercy to my whole family but especially to my dad! Sometimes I feel stuck and don't quite know how to do it so would you help me Lord? Thank you Jesus for a car that runs well Lord would you help me to figure out what I can do with my car if you call me to a different country to teach? Blurred I think you got even now you're planning each and every detail and so  I continue to serve under and place every detail in peace into your hand because I know that your plan is the very best for my life take my life for it belongs to you! I love you and I love what you're going to do with my future! Thank you for going before me and with me yours truly love Heather!! July 14, 2016

Decissions

Decisions..... Lord knows I do like to make them! Not at all! So here I am sorting through so much! So much to process and think through! I am getting ready to say goodbye to my first real teaching job, a job  I learned so much at and grew through some pretty tough trials both with students and staff, a job I could not imagine getting through without God's grace! I can say I survived two years of managing adults not my passion by a long shot, there were moments when I never thought I was going to make it! I learned so much about Autism and how amazing kids are and how they could fight any obstacle thrown their way if it be a label or a person's view, I saw kids define the odds and amaze us all! I saw the fruits of our labor, kids counting by 10's and 5's kids writing complete sentences with a capital letter and a period! I saw my kids fight against their inner self and remain seated even when everything in their bodies wanted to to get up or scream! I  learned so much from the little people in my classroom, I learned about their unconditional love and while some grew to be my favorites and were the master of daily hugs, I will be forever grateful for each one of them that taught me something! As this chapter ends I am both relieved and saddened!
I am ready for both a new chapter and beginning, but at this present moment I am unsure? I have signed a contract for Accel charter schools, I do not yet know what school I will be at or what grade and that doesn't bother/worry me as much as the unsureness of is this job for me? It was defiantly something I took before the Lord and sought Him on, I did not sense a no, but I also am not sure that I heard a yes?  Its a weird place to be, especially since I thought I wanted a different charter school... but Accel said that was not a good school? I also have had two jobs offers for schools in different countries that both do not start until January which would still allow me to be here for Emily's wedding in September, but they are not defiant yeses either! So like I said decisions to make and much to sort through!
So as I spend the next few days seeking the Lords wisdom and clarity I know He will lead and direct me, He is faithful and I trust Him!!

(Romans 11:20) O, Father, I do not want to miss any part of Your plan because of my own unbelief! Please forgive me for any unbelief, and help me walk by faith.

Lord God, teach me knowledge and good judgement, for I believe in your commands. (Ps. 119:66)

Transparent

Transparent: (of a material or article) allowing light to pass through so that objects behind can be distinctly seen. easy to perceive or detect. having thoughts, feelings, or motives that are easily perceived.

Today the title of our Sermon was: "Transparent From Dark to Light"

We began our service in the dark, the powered had gone off, so we only had 1 guitar and a drum, but oh my it was amazing to hear the voices of the saints being lifted up and the spirit of the Lord was dwelling in that place... it was incredible it did not matter that we did not have physical light!

Then the sermon was amazing, we talked about the woman with the issue of blood... after reading in Leviticus I realize how unclean and what an outcast she was because of the law... SHE WAS UNWANTED SHE WAS UNCLEAN AND UNTOUCHABLE!!

But instead of staying in that place and being the outcast, she Pushed herself to do! She had to push past her fears and against others in the crowd to get to Jesus!! Are we willing to push past others to get to Jesus, push past our own insecurities our own hurts to come to His thrown and lay them at His feet?

What we need to say to ourselves: 1. I AM (I have Issues)! For we will never change what we don't confront! 2. I CAN'T!  She could not do it on her own, she had to overcome the I can't and get to Jesus! 3. I WILL! (touch His garment with all our hearts!) We better be giving it our ALL! He feels our Heart, our pain! It was a touching moment for her, she felt Him! She got DOWN, she did it in front of those who disowned her!

If she can pass through the darkness as she pressed in, so can I! Being in a season of waiting, waiting on the Lord! Being transparent I have to say I have issues I have fears! The unknown... I don't like it, it is scary, but I am so thankful I have grown and am growing!  I have been in this place before not knowing where I will be in a few months, where I will live, where I will teach? But as I hunker down, laying before Him both physically in prayer and in spiritually laying it all down, I constantly  have to submit and surrender for I know His plans are the very best for me! I am blessed I am victorious, I am His... the enemy may want to whisper lies to me that the last two years have been a waste have been for nothing.... but I know better than that... I know I have grown as a teacher as a leader I have grown through my weaknesses that He may be known in my life! Yes the last two years have been so tough and not my favorite at moments, some lonely times! I am blessed I am loved and I am wanted by my savior, I must just reach out and touch Him!

Milkshakes & Tears ( The real thoughts of me today)

 Sometimes it's OK to just have a milkshake and cry!  It was one of those days ,not because of the kids the kids were actually great! But because of the staff! I know the Lord has called me to this very job at this very time, but sometimes I have to stop and asked myself why am I here and what am I doing?  I often feel very stressed out very confused very unsure of what I'm really doing, I totally do not feel cut out to be a manager or the Administrator   Or  supervisor or whatever kind of title you would like to put on it?  Some days I feel like it's finally getting better or easier or simpler or like I kind of have a handle on things? But then I have days like today days where I have to deal with disrespect days where I don't feel like I am in Charge of my classroom,  days like that's where I just feel hurt and lost and confused?    I am just trying to make sense of everything when I'm trying and praying so hard for God to develop the gifts within me to be a strong leader to be an advocate to be the source of God but I just don't feel like it some days I feel like I have failed I feel like I've messed up I feel like I  Come  across like a cat even when I want to be a lion but above all else I just want to show  Jesus I want everyone to know Jesus but so much of the time I feel like that is not so!  I feel like instead I just look weak  like I don't really know what I'm doing? But I know that God has called me to this  I know he is putting something in me that I don't yet understand? But how right now Am I suppose to just be ok, I don't see how all the pieces could possibly fit together I don't see how all the sudden I will just have this boldness for this gift to  be a natural leader or a manager or supervisor I know I'm in this position  because that is the title that I have but I want to be true to that title I want to be the very best at that title and I guess what I struggle with the most is not feeling adequate!

 You see at the beginning of this month I received a prophecy that I have the gift of administration I know that I meant so caught the gifts and others in part of my vision at the beginning of the month that I also received was that I was to party over my  staff which I've been doing and  to pray with my staff  and I have been asking for the  opportunity and I am thankful he's given me the patients in a new vision and way of looking at things!  So that part I can see coming to be all in the Lords timing and he has given me the patience in waiting!



 I have to remind myself all in Gods timing! This weekend as I was ending my fast I was being reminded that Jesus and Joseph in John the Baptist and Elijah were all preparing for what God had for them so that in their 30s they could do what God has called in to do in their ministry the so-called dream,  if you want to call it that! So I commit to waiting and living faithfully for the Lord even when I feel frustrated or confused or just super unsure about the situation I know that God is building  and preparing for what comes next piece by piece second by second moment by moment but can I just be the first to say it's is really really really hard! But I am thankful I have the Lord!

 I am thankful that I have the Lord because I have to say this last week has been pretty tough as i loss my little doggie of 18 years it was a time of feeling super lonely and kind of like I haven't really had anyone to talk to too!   I know not everyone quite understands how I can love a dog so much and I guess I can't really expects others to understand in the sense of the loss of a dog meaning  so much!
 It was just the fact that she meant so very much to me the fact that he honestly was one of gods greatest gifts to me and his friendship and his loyalty and his love how he loved unconditionally without any limits without any expectations unconditionally he was there he was faithful much like the character of God  yeah he wasn't perfect but he definitely had so many gifts and his little personality and his precious peasants I would say I meant everything each day I'm reminded of how very special he was in each day honestly I think I missed him a little more!  Right now I can't even imagine going home to visit my family and he not be there but thought of it even as I write this breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes I know it's going to be a healing process but I'm not really sure how to do this healing or grieving the only thing I know to do is just talk to the Lord about it which I know is really good but even though it seems so silly  I just feel so sad and so alone in the whole situation I know it's probably the enemy trying to speak lies or make me believe things that aren't true but what I do know is that my heart hurts what I do know is I feel alone what I do know is I'm just not sure? So I will do what I know to do I will pray I will read my word I will  worship! And I guess I will just take it day by day moment by moment just like I'm going to do with the whole learning how to be an leader or  administrator or supervisor I will trust in the Lord to teach me to mold me into shape me I'm thankful that he hasn't given up on me and sees my beginning from my end  he has each of my days planned perfectly and for that I am thankful!

 So as I sit here sipping on my last few sips of my milkshake drying my tears I commit to taking it day by day moment by moment I don't want to ever miss out on an opportunity or time the Lord is trying to teach me something I think it's OK walking away with the heart that's so kind of hurts but knowing that the Lord is going to take care of it !

 I may not always get what the Lord is doing or understand it but I'm sure when I look back on this I will see how the Lord has grown me from this point how is help me to see new perspectives to see situations a new way  I'm sure that the Lord will have brought me so far and healing and making me a better leader and helping me to be a better friend and helping me to be a better daughter and a bettee sister  and helping me to be a better follower of Christ I surely do need his help that is for sure! So today I say Lord take all this but is not my burden to carry or to hold or to grasp so tightly but to say Lord take it use in my life to bring me closer to you for there's nothing in this life I want more than to know you Lord Jesus so may you be my all take it I release!