Finding my Way!

 Here I am  sitting in Starbucks parking lot drinking my second cuppa coffee today from the coffee shop… I had to take this moment to just stop and reflect!

So I know the season and moment in time on my journey is temporary… But truly it has felt very long… the desire to be a mom and a wife at 30 and now almost 31 Is so so strong and my heart longs for it so so much! But in my longing I am trying to figure out how to put that into being dependent upon  the Lord... how to put the great need to be “busy” “needed” “someone’s mom” into practical real life practice that would glorify the Lord and grow my relationship with Jesus.. not just fulfill my own selfish desires! The Lord has given me the sweetest blessing in my dog 🐶 Maggie who I love and often joke that I do too much for... but I know at the end of the day that although she is such a blessing I am not building a spiritual God filled legacy with her and that is what I want and so desperately desire! So in a sense this is a call for prayer in writing out there for all to see and me to be reminded of later on that.... As we are told to ask for wisdom I am asking for two things Lord, that I may grow big in you and that I would have the opportunity to build a Godly legacy with a family! Nothing is too big for your Lord Jesus!! I trust you!! 

A Season of Blessings!

Wow! It has felt like forever since I have blogged! But it is more than Time for me to stop and truly praise the Lord for all that he has done in this past season! I am absolutely in a place that I never thought would be possible! Truly I feel like I’m living in a season of answered prayer! As of November 2019 and I moved into my very first place that I can call my own! Truly it is a place that I love! A place even amongst COVID-19 God knew this was the exact place I needed to be! I am attending a church that I love and I am a part of a small group that continues to pour into me and gives me the opportunity to pour into others!

 My friendships are so blessed and rich even with the social distancing and the fact that I really have not physically seen my seen my dear friends in months!

This home that I get to live in is so rich and full of the presence of God it allows me the opportunity to be close to the school where I work to my church, to my friends to my family and has truly been handpicked by God!

The Lord has also blessed me with the most incredible dog a girl could ask for I feel like with having Maggie as my best gal pal I truly understand what it means when they say that dog is man’s best friend! She is everything that I could’ve dreamed of the best snuggler, she’s so loyal and just a blast to spend my days with! She is truly a lover and I do not say this lightly but it is truly a way that God so incredibly and tangibly shares His love with me through this tiny animal who is created by Him!

I truly sense that having this space of my own has really healed a lot of the hurts with my parents I truly feel like we have a connection that is better than ever! I was reminded that even of this today as my mom stopped by for a few hours and we were able just to sip on coffee and catch up a little bit!

..... (erased) 

Hahahahaha how ironic just another piece of the puzzle and learning how to trust God for the unknown for the unpredictable and for this brand new piece of territory! I really should not be surprised as trusting has been the name of my game! An area that I feel like over the course of these last 10 years truly has really been about trusting the Lord for the unknown! But as you can read and see in my other blog posts along my journey God has always been so incredibly faithful he has always brought peace where there needs to be peace he’s always right answers even if it has not been the answer is that I thought it would be he has always answered my prayers in the very best way! So even though it feels unknown in uncharted territory and scary I know that God is absolutely going to leave me so I choose to trust even in this brand new!

P.S. .... as we live through this COVID-19 of 2020 this year has absolutely looked different than I could have ever anticipated, seeing that I have top from home for the past three months… I have hardly interacted with anybody physically as we have been encouraged in the state of Ohio to stay home! Restaurants sporting events and even Church have all been shut down! We definitely are living in Times like no other! But even with the unknown I know the Lord has us! So my prayer is that the Lord would continue to soften the hearts of the American people that he would bring people to himself because greater than the need is for a cure for this virus or for things to go back to normal our greatest need is our need to turn to Jesus!

Even When I Do Not Understand

"Even there your hand will lead me; your right hand will hold on to me." -Psalm 139:10

SO here I am... a little over 5 years from starting this blog that I named: Wherever you send me Lord, use me! That also is written on my graduation cap with a little world I painted with people all around that! But in all honesty and complete vulnerability I did not think that would mean here in 2019 after completing my 5th year of teaching in Ohio... in my parents house in my tiny bedroom (the only thing that I really can even call mine)

I thought Wherever you SEND ME... meant somewhere... anywhere but here!!! 

Does it sound like I am complaining.... okay maybe??? I totally don't mean to sound that way, just keeping it open and honest... so there it is, thats how I am feeling.... with a little bit of feeling just stuck and totally unsuccessful... I know I should't compare but let me do it just really quick: So I have a best friend who is working her dream job... aka Tish as a Travel nurse.... she is getting ready to complete her 1st full rotation here in Cleveland and then its off to Texas for her next rotation... Que Best Friend Road Trip and some big memory making (Good stuff) I get to help her move... I get to help her move for like the 4th time.... don't get me wrong.... I love it.... I think secretively its like a spiritual gift of mine (I mean my family themsleves have moved over 14 times) so anyways back to the good times yes....  Road trip time in Texas with my gal (doing Texas stuff, unpacking, making her newest space look amazing, maybe some swim time oh please Jesus swimming time its going to be hot, some cards where I beat her in skipbo and some oh soooo wonderful time spent in the Word studying and talking all about Jesus....... so can't wait...... BUT this also means a huge shift and I mean HUGE after literally spending the past 7... almost 8 years .... thats like 2,737 or something days in the same state of Ohio and many of those 2,737 days which I would guess to be be like maybe 700 days (Just guessing and rounding here) together doing stuff like being roomates in college and a little after, hang times with her amazing gram, visits and sleepovers to her several different wonderful homes, daytrips places, runs and so much more.... it will change when I fly back to OHIO solo...... we wont get to  physically see each other once a week for a run or every other weekend for a sleepover or once a month  or even after 9 weeks of student teaching (Come to think of it, thats prob the longest to date of being friends that we have gone without seeing each other) so yes, change its going to be different.... but I say all that to say, although different ,  but still Best Friends because Jesus is our glue our center that make us who we are! So there will be skype or facetime dates or something of the sort and phone calls and maybe and prayerfully a visit here and there..... but Tish is going off to live her dream.... she is stepping out in obedience, she felt the cal, took the steps and now its happening... 

Then I have my dear Emily, she dreamed and prayed for a Husband and she got wonderful John and she prayed for a child and got the amazing Hudson... I sure do love being his Auntie!! And she dreamed and searched for the right house and just 2 months ago they bought their first home and I helped Emily pack a lot up (Que that Spiritual gift of moving)!

Hannah has her beautiful Family her Husband and beautiful boys Easton and Henrik (Oh I love being their Auntie). 

My friend Dea is pursing her dream of being a Speech Patholgist (Shes working on her Masters now) go girl go, she has her own home and an adorable puppy!

......

SOOOOOOOOO it seems and feels like everyone elses lives are just moving right along....

And I just feel stuck!

Don't get me wrong, I love being in friendship and being Auntie to the three little little nuggets I love so much! 

I do!

But I have to stop and assess..... what do I have to do or to learn?!?

Am I limiting God by my definition of wherever you send me??????

Because I did indeed sign my contract for a 4th year at Noble Academy right here in Clevaland... do I sense this is where God has made my Wherever for this moment.... yes!

But I also know... at the end of December of 2018.... The Lord placed on my heart and within my spirit the Word DREAM for the 2019 year.... well here I am in the 6th month of 2019 and I am still not sure what that means???? I did apply and updated my profile for the sending agency to teach internationally!!! Oh how I dream of that.... but truly right here in this moment I dream about becoming a wife and a Mommy, oh how I want to kiss the heads of babes!!! I dream of living in more freedom (I feel like a caged bird in my parents house.... so JESUS I leave this very dream in your hands and before your throne that I would find a roomie to have somewhere else to live that would fit into my budget.... you see exactly what it is Jesus and you know the answers) 

I want to be in the will of God and whatever it is that He has called me to do and accomplish, I want to do the very best that I can do at it!! I commit to being the very best teacher that I can be for all of my students and coworkers! 

I committ to investing my talents, time and treasures in both my school and church... I know that is an investment I can make in the new school year to come as I know the Lord will lead me and as I DAILY and ACTIVELY choose to make right here my wherever.... because I want to be used of the LORD even when I do not understand!!!

This Year in ONE Word..... And Next Year in ONE Word

When asked today how I would explain the year 2018 in one word, I thought long and hard about it! I came up with: PEACE

This is why:

Although 2018 was not always peaceful, I continually found God's peace in so many ways, and when I asked the Lord for it, He always gave it, I just had to choose to accept it, even if it was not in the way that I expected it to come!

In 2018 the Lord gave me a great love for prayer, prayer over the ones that I love the most prayer in my car as I drove! Prayer in my conversations with Jesus! Prayer again and again was my place of peace even when I did not understand what was going on around me, when I choose to step into prayer the Lord covered me with His peace and it was simply His perfect Peace!

I fond Peace in my friendships:

 

Truly as  Friends and Sisters, year number 7 was our best year of friendship! A year of friendship filled with Peace, because it was so focused on Jesus! And we truly had the most fun this year, packed full of adventures that somehow always involved COFFEE! So this year of our friendship can be summed up in these three words and in this order: JESUS, PEACE and COFFEE!! 

A great representation of such a sweet and peaceful friendship, it truly has been such a blessed year of baby showers, Baby Hudson and getting be Auntie to such a sweet sweet boy who is the affinity of Peace, He truly has given me such an appreciation of joy! Thankful that I not only get to love Emily and all our 16 years of friendship but now her little as well!! 

  

Oh Sweet Hannah, now I will say this, without a shadow of a doubt, Hannah has always been my friend of Peace, we have hands down been so blessed with a peaceful friendship over the years, we both are very passive and she truly has just gotten it so easily when I have struggled with confrontation! She really blessed me this year when she celebrated with me when I handled some situations that dealt with conflict! She also has blessed me in letting me be Auntie to both of her sweet boys, who by the way are going to be agents of peace because they have the coolest and most laid back mom and dad ;)

And this gal, we reconnected about a year ago, so this year of healing and reconnecting to our normal selves is a perfect representation of God's peace and restoration! We in the last year have had a lot of fun, going new places, finding TV shows we love and somehow binge watched 14 straight seasons in the matter of months!!! We think a lot a like and both overall just want peace!!! Dea thanks for wanting peace!! 

I found Peace in my job, it truly has been Peaceful having one of the best sets of kiddos I have ever had, they are little bundles of joy all wrapped up in wonderful! I truly have so much peace in my little classroom among my students! I so wish I could post pictures of each of their beautiful smiling faces, but here I will paint a picture:  Giggles, Excitement when they connect that they know what sound ch makes, stories about their night playing cards with their family, knowing they are special and wonderful and they tell me why!!! 

Not tell me, who would not love this?

Cool story here, that the Lord is listening to even the little details of our prayers:

I specifically was praying peace over my family and our home, because we were really needing it this particular week! So I am praying and within that week my parents decided to bring a new puppy into our home, well he was nameless so we all threw around names, names that would sound good with our dog on the right named Marathon, well the name I threw out was Milo...  little did I know at the time... but Milo means peace!! Well from day one, I truly can tell you that this puppy brought peace into our home and a few days later Milo stuck and so now a physically reminder of Peace dwells in our house daily, How cool is that???

What is my word for 2019 you ask!

I would day dream!! I choose to step into this year with Goals to work on stepping out in FAITH to dream, the very dreams that the Lord has placed upon my heart, to teach internationally! To take Special Education to places that to not yet have the opportunity to work with students and children that do not have opportunities, the kiddos that no one else wants, those are the ones that I want the ones that I want to love! 

SO in full pursuit in pursuing what the Lord would have next for me, I give myself permission to dream!!! 

Still Here

Have you ever been in a season of life and felt like you have been in that season for what feels like forever?
Well that has been me without a doubt, feeling stuck and unable to dream, stuck in the same old pattern! Don’t get me wrong I have seen the Lord move and work, perform miracles like only He can! I have taken on new roles as Auntie to 3 precious boys, I have been a prayer warrior for my family, I have seen the Lord heal my mom in her physical as He gave me the word restoration to be praying over her (He answers prayers in ways we don’t even realize need answered, I always thought the prayer of restoration for her was Always going to be in finances and emotionally) I am sure glad the Lord knows best!! And I am still believing that to be true that he will heal her emotionally and financially! For my brother I have been praying that the Lord would bring his to a freedom, a freedom to know the truth of God and all that God would have for him! He just shared the other day that others keep coming up to him and sharing Jesus with Him!! Ummm Hello... Sister praying over here!! I know that the Lord is hearing my prayers that He is answering them and working in ways that only He can! Thank you Jesus!
But in the still here I am still single, still living at home and I am ready for so much more.... But even as I started this blog on December 15th, so 15 days or so ago, I am even in a different place and perspective now, as I was sitting in Church today and the reminder was how are you ending 2018? Are you ending well, have you accomplished all that you have set out to do?
My first response IS NO! Hello still single, still stuck, still not SURE?? But I do see how that Lord has continually called me back to himself, has continually allowed me to be sensitive to His voice! Thank you Jesus!
BUT! As I sat in Church the Lord asked me, are you preparing for your future to rise up a generation that is going to be a game changer, a generation that will be sold out for me!!! How are you doing that? Are you preparing? Do you know my Word?
Okay Lord I am listening! I am committing to  spending time in your Word, so this season is about to be full of your Word! I want to be at my best for whatever my future holds! No more once a week time in the Word, Lord with your help, I want to make it daily!! Its a big commitment, I am scared to make it, but I know it will be so worth it!!
All my seasons belong to you Jesus!

Why

I will say I do not understand right now, today has proven to be a very frustrating, lonely and difficult day. Sickness wide spread across school and in my house. Heart burn that just won't go away, the reality and realization that I am the only person out of all my friends to still live at home under my parents roof with no prospects of other options.... my parents are looking at other options for houses right now, although I will look forward to having an actual real door and a window, but the idea of being confined to a small room size space with no ability of having any other furniture beside a bed is not a fun thought!
Also, I am feeling festered, angry and defeated I choose not to sit in it but rather give it all over to the Lord and say thank you Jesus for:
A healthy family
The Best of friends
A job teaching
An amazing bed
Somewhere safe to stay
A dog
Realization that I am allergic to gluten and no longer have to get sick every time that I eat.
A heavenly Father that Loves me!
Gods Peace
Gods grace
Gods perfect plan over my life!

THANK YOU Jesus for all that you have done even when I do see the big picture or what you are doing right in front of me!                   

Can it be? One year already?

Wow! It's really been a year! It has been 1 year since I interviewed at Noble Academy- Cleveland! I never expected to still be where I am at today! It sure has been one heck of a year! A year of great joys, of intense sorrows, of crazy excitement, of heartbreak and loss! I have grown! I have grown to know Jesus with greater intimacy! I have learned more about myself and who I am because of the Jesus in me, because of the genetics within me as I have spent time with my Aunts getting to know them more from here in my hometown (Auntie Carole & Auntie Sharon ) all the way to California (Aunt Theresa)! 

I thought I was interviewing for a job that would keep me here for a few months as a sub, until I left to teach in a different country. That was my plan and I surely thought that was God's as well! Just as the Word says  “To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven:”

Ecclesiastes 3:1 and that there is! Although I was so sure I knew what God had in mind, I am so glad He has our best interest in mind! 

I think even though I wanted to leave, I wanted to go to a different country, God had a reason, a purpose for me to be right here in Ohio! And as I see and reflect today I can see it is more than even just one reason, it has been many that He has planted me right here for such a time as this!

And I can't even believe I am saying this, but I am okay with that!! I am thankful! I am at peace, I am Glad that I have been able to be here with family, with friends with my very students & staff! 

So has this year has proven to be exceptionally difficult: unexpectedly losing my precious grandma, having to take a step backwards as it feels and live with my parents, unexpectedly losing my uncle and many ups & downs in between! 

But despite the hard there have been so many praises and joys of staying back in Ohio from getting to visit with my Grandma every week from September to January and for that I will be forever thankful, as we had such precious moments of holding hands, chatting, rubbing her feet, talking about how Alex Tervec was my great grandma's crush to having the opportunity of thanking her for showing exactly what Martin Luther King Jr was taking about! To getting to be a teacher at Noble Academy and having some of the most precious students that I absolutely love, to watching friendships grow as I was given amazing support through some tough days, I saw the importance of family and the healing that can take place when you can just be together! 

Exactly one year ago, when I interviewed on September 12th, I had no clue that this year would look the way it did, but I would not trade it for anything, not even Africa! This past weekend I was challenged and reminded of three very important things: 1. As I sang along to a very familiar song that I love so much.... "Jesus at the center of it all

Jesus at the center of it all

From beginning to the end

It will always be, it's always been You

Jesus, Jesus

Nothing else matters

Nothing in this world will do

'Cause Jesus You're the center

Everything revolves around You

Jesus You

At the center of it all

At the center of it all

Jesus be the center of my life

Jesus be the center of my life

From beginning to the end

It will always be, it's always been You

Jesus, Jesus

Nothing else matters

Nothing in this world will do

'Cause Jesus You're the center

Everything revolves around You

Jesus You!" I was challenged by the Holy Spirit asking me if I was making Jesus the center of my all? Of my life! I am so thankful He reminded me to get my focus back in order!! 

2. Gods timing is perfect, as I have gotten to journey with my precious sister for the last year through ups and downs, passes and fails.... I was able to witness first hard the result of intense faith, blessing after blessing poured out, I saw dreams come true, I saw a very thankful and peaceful friend reflecting Christ through the whole part of this part of her journey... even through the waiting.... and I was so blessed and encouraged to do the same! Thanks Tish for being an example and one of my biggest cheerleaders!! 

3. Finally in a church I was visiting with Tish in Wooster on Sunday.... I again was singing along to another familiar song Oceans and the part the Lord really used to speak to me: "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior!" I for so long had my own definition of what taking me deeper meant... but I never put it into perspective of right here right now where I am at!!! 

So that is my prayer and hearts cry as I end this post is that the Lord would take me even deeper right here right now, right where I am at that it would make my FAITH STRONGER!