Finding my Way!

 Here I am  sitting in Starbucks parking lot drinking my second cuppa coffee today from the coffee shop… I had to take this moment to just stop and reflect!

So I know the season and moment in time on my journey is temporary… But truly it has felt very long… the desire to be a mom and a wife at 30 and now almost 31 Is so so strong and my heart longs for it so so much! But in my longing I am trying to figure out how to put that into being dependent upon  the Lord... how to put the great need to be “busy” “needed” “someone’s mom” into practical real life practice that would glorify the Lord and grow my relationship with Jesus.. not just fulfill my own selfish desires! The Lord has given me the sweetest blessing in my dog 🐶 Maggie who I love and often joke that I do too much for... but I know at the end of the day that although she is such a blessing I am not building a spiritual God filled legacy with her and that is what I want and so desperately desire! So in a sense this is a call for prayer in writing out there for all to see and me to be reminded of later on that.... As we are told to ask for wisdom I am asking for two things Lord, that I may grow big in you and that I would have the opportunity to build a Godly legacy with a family! Nothing is too big for your Lord Jesus!! I trust you!! 

A Season of Blessings!

Wow! It has felt like forever since I have blogged! But it is more than Time for me to stop and truly praise the Lord for all that he has done in this past season! I am absolutely in a place that I never thought would be possible! Truly I feel like I’m living in a season of answered prayer! As of November 2019 and I moved into my very first place that I can call my own! Truly it is a place that I love! A place even amongst COVID-19 God knew this was the exact place I needed to be! I am attending a church that I love and I am a part of a small group that continues to pour into me and gives me the opportunity to pour into others!

 My friendships are so blessed and rich even with the social distancing and the fact that I really have not physically seen my seen my dear friends in months!

This home that I get to live in is so rich and full of the presence of God it allows me the opportunity to be close to the school where I work to my church, to my friends to my family and has truly been handpicked by God!

The Lord has also blessed me with the most incredible dog a girl could ask for I feel like with having Maggie as my best gal pal I truly understand what it means when they say that dog is man’s best friend! She is everything that I could’ve dreamed of the best snuggler, she’s so loyal and just a blast to spend my days with! She is truly a lover and I do not say this lightly but it is truly a way that God so incredibly and tangibly shares His love with me through this tiny animal who is created by Him!

I truly sense that having this space of my own has really healed a lot of the hurts with my parents I truly feel like we have a connection that is better than ever! I was reminded that even of this today as my mom stopped by for a few hours and we were able just to sip on coffee and catch up a little bit!

..... (erased) 

Hahahahaha how ironic just another piece of the puzzle and learning how to trust God for the unknown for the unpredictable and for this brand new piece of territory! I really should not be surprised as trusting has been the name of my game! An area that I feel like over the course of these last 10 years truly has really been about trusting the Lord for the unknown! But as you can read and see in my other blog posts along my journey God has always been so incredibly faithful he has always brought peace where there needs to be peace he’s always right answers even if it has not been the answer is that I thought it would be he has always answered my prayers in the very best way! So even though it feels unknown in uncharted territory and scary I know that God is absolutely going to leave me so I choose to trust even in this brand new!

P.S. .... as we live through this COVID-19 of 2020 this year has absolutely looked different than I could have ever anticipated, seeing that I have top from home for the past three months… I have hardly interacted with anybody physically as we have been encouraged in the state of Ohio to stay home! Restaurants sporting events and even Church have all been shut down! We definitely are living in Times like no other! But even with the unknown I know the Lord has us! So my prayer is that the Lord would continue to soften the hearts of the American people that he would bring people to himself because greater than the need is for a cure for this virus or for things to go back to normal our greatest need is our need to turn to Jesus!

Even When I Do Not Understand

"Even there your hand will lead me; your right hand will hold on to me." -Psalm 139:10

SO here I am... a little over 5 years from starting this blog that I named: Wherever you send me Lord, use me! That also is written on my graduation cap with a little world I painted with people all around that! But in all honesty and complete vulnerability I did not think that would mean here in 2019 after completing my 5th year of teaching in Ohio... in my parents house in my tiny bedroom (the only thing that I really can even call mine)

I thought Wherever you SEND ME... meant somewhere... anywhere but here!!! 

Does it sound like I am complaining.... okay maybe??? I totally don't mean to sound that way, just keeping it open and honest... so there it is, thats how I am feeling.... with a little bit of feeling just stuck and totally unsuccessful... I know I should't compare but let me do it just really quick: So I have a best friend who is working her dream job... aka Tish as a Travel nurse.... she is getting ready to complete her 1st full rotation here in Cleveland and then its off to Texas for her next rotation... Que Best Friend Road Trip and some big memory making (Good stuff) I get to help her move... I get to help her move for like the 4th time.... don't get me wrong.... I love it.... I think secretively its like a spiritual gift of mine (I mean my family themsleves have moved over 14 times) so anyways back to the good times yes....  Road trip time in Texas with my gal (doing Texas stuff, unpacking, making her newest space look amazing, maybe some swim time oh please Jesus swimming time its going to be hot, some cards where I beat her in skipbo and some oh soooo wonderful time spent in the Word studying and talking all about Jesus....... so can't wait...... BUT this also means a huge shift and I mean HUGE after literally spending the past 7... almost 8 years .... thats like 2,737 or something days in the same state of Ohio and many of those 2,737 days which I would guess to be be like maybe 700 days (Just guessing and rounding here) together doing stuff like being roomates in college and a little after, hang times with her amazing gram, visits and sleepovers to her several different wonderful homes, daytrips places, runs and so much more.... it will change when I fly back to OHIO solo...... we wont get to  physically see each other once a week for a run or every other weekend for a sleepover or once a month  or even after 9 weeks of student teaching (Come to think of it, thats prob the longest to date of being friends that we have gone without seeing each other) so yes, change its going to be different.... but I say all that to say, although different ,  but still Best Friends because Jesus is our glue our center that make us who we are! So there will be skype or facetime dates or something of the sort and phone calls and maybe and prayerfully a visit here and there..... but Tish is going off to live her dream.... she is stepping out in obedience, she felt the cal, took the steps and now its happening... 

Then I have my dear Emily, she dreamed and prayed for a Husband and she got wonderful John and she prayed for a child and got the amazing Hudson... I sure do love being his Auntie!! And she dreamed and searched for the right house and just 2 months ago they bought their first home and I helped Emily pack a lot up (Que that Spiritual gift of moving)!

Hannah has her beautiful Family her Husband and beautiful boys Easton and Henrik (Oh I love being their Auntie). 

My friend Dea is pursing her dream of being a Speech Patholgist (Shes working on her Masters now) go girl go, she has her own home and an adorable puppy!

......

SOOOOOOOOO it seems and feels like everyone elses lives are just moving right along....

And I just feel stuck!

Don't get me wrong, I love being in friendship and being Auntie to the three little little nuggets I love so much! 

I do!

But I have to stop and assess..... what do I have to do or to learn?!?

Am I limiting God by my definition of wherever you send me??????

Because I did indeed sign my contract for a 4th year at Noble Academy right here in Clevaland... do I sense this is where God has made my Wherever for this moment.... yes!

But I also know... at the end of December of 2018.... The Lord placed on my heart and within my spirit the Word DREAM for the 2019 year.... well here I am in the 6th month of 2019 and I am still not sure what that means???? I did apply and updated my profile for the sending agency to teach internationally!!! Oh how I dream of that.... but truly right here in this moment I dream about becoming a wife and a Mommy, oh how I want to kiss the heads of babes!!! I dream of living in more freedom (I feel like a caged bird in my parents house.... so JESUS I leave this very dream in your hands and before your throne that I would find a roomie to have somewhere else to live that would fit into my budget.... you see exactly what it is Jesus and you know the answers) 

I want to be in the will of God and whatever it is that He has called me to do and accomplish, I want to do the very best that I can do at it!! I commit to being the very best teacher that I can be for all of my students and coworkers! 

I committ to investing my talents, time and treasures in both my school and church... I know that is an investment I can make in the new school year to come as I know the Lord will lead me and as I DAILY and ACTIVELY choose to make right here my wherever.... because I want to be used of the LORD even when I do not understand!!!

This Year in ONE Word..... And Next Year in ONE Word

When asked today how I would explain the year 2018 in one word, I thought long and hard about it! I came up with: PEACE

This is why:

Although 2018 was not always peaceful, I continually found God's peace in so many ways, and when I asked the Lord for it, He always gave it, I just had to choose to accept it, even if it was not in the way that I expected it to come!

In 2018 the Lord gave me a great love for prayer, prayer over the ones that I love the most prayer in my car as I drove! Prayer in my conversations with Jesus! Prayer again and again was my place of peace even when I did not understand what was going on around me, when I choose to step into prayer the Lord covered me with His peace and it was simply His perfect Peace!

I fond Peace in my friendships:

 

Truly as  Friends and Sisters, year number 7 was our best year of friendship! A year of friendship filled with Peace, because it was so focused on Jesus! And we truly had the most fun this year, packed full of adventures that somehow always involved COFFEE! So this year of our friendship can be summed up in these three words and in this order: JESUS, PEACE and COFFEE!! 

A great representation of such a sweet and peaceful friendship, it truly has been such a blessed year of baby showers, Baby Hudson and getting be Auntie to such a sweet sweet boy who is the affinity of Peace, He truly has given me such an appreciation of joy! Thankful that I not only get to love Emily and all our 16 years of friendship but now her little as well!! 

  

Oh Sweet Hannah, now I will say this, without a shadow of a doubt, Hannah has always been my friend of Peace, we have hands down been so blessed with a peaceful friendship over the years, we both are very passive and she truly has just gotten it so easily when I have struggled with confrontation! She really blessed me this year when she celebrated with me when I handled some situations that dealt with conflict! She also has blessed me in letting me be Auntie to both of her sweet boys, who by the way are going to be agents of peace because they have the coolest and most laid back mom and dad ;)

And this gal, we reconnected about a year ago, so this year of healing and reconnecting to our normal selves is a perfect representation of God's peace and restoration! We in the last year have had a lot of fun, going new places, finding TV shows we love and somehow binge watched 14 straight seasons in the matter of months!!! We think a lot a like and both overall just want peace!!! Dea thanks for wanting peace!! 

I found Peace in my job, it truly has been Peaceful having one of the best sets of kiddos I have ever had, they are little bundles of joy all wrapped up in wonderful! I truly have so much peace in my little classroom among my students! I so wish I could post pictures of each of their beautiful smiling faces, but here I will paint a picture:  Giggles, Excitement when they connect that they know what sound ch makes, stories about their night playing cards with their family, knowing they are special and wonderful and they tell me why!!! 

Not tell me, who would not love this?

Cool story here, that the Lord is listening to even the little details of our prayers:

I specifically was praying peace over my family and our home, because we were really needing it this particular week! So I am praying and within that week my parents decided to bring a new puppy into our home, well he was nameless so we all threw around names, names that would sound good with our dog on the right named Marathon, well the name I threw out was Milo...  little did I know at the time... but Milo means peace!! Well from day one, I truly can tell you that this puppy brought peace into our home and a few days later Milo stuck and so now a physically reminder of Peace dwells in our house daily, How cool is that???

What is my word for 2019 you ask!

I would day dream!! I choose to step into this year with Goals to work on stepping out in FAITH to dream, the very dreams that the Lord has placed upon my heart, to teach internationally! To take Special Education to places that to not yet have the opportunity to work with students and children that do not have opportunities, the kiddos that no one else wants, those are the ones that I want the ones that I want to love! 

SO in full pursuit in pursuing what the Lord would have next for me, I give myself permission to dream!!! 

Still Here

Have you ever been in a season of life and felt like you have been in that season for what feels like forever?
Well that has been me without a doubt, feeling stuck and unable to dream, stuck in the same old pattern! Don’t get me wrong I have seen the Lord move and work, perform miracles like only He can! I have taken on new roles as Auntie to 3 precious boys, I have been a prayer warrior for my family, I have seen the Lord heal my mom in her physical as He gave me the word restoration to be praying over her (He answers prayers in ways we don’t even realize need answered, I always thought the prayer of restoration for her was Always going to be in finances and emotionally) I am sure glad the Lord knows best!! And I am still believing that to be true that he will heal her emotionally and financially! For my brother I have been praying that the Lord would bring his to a freedom, a freedom to know the truth of God and all that God would have for him! He just shared the other day that others keep coming up to him and sharing Jesus with Him!! Ummm Hello... Sister praying over here!! I know that the Lord is hearing my prayers that He is answering them and working in ways that only He can! Thank you Jesus!
But in the still here I am still single, still living at home and I am ready for so much more.... But even as I started this blog on December 15th, so 15 days or so ago, I am even in a different place and perspective now, as I was sitting in Church today and the reminder was how are you ending 2018? Are you ending well, have you accomplished all that you have set out to do?
My first response IS NO! Hello still single, still stuck, still not SURE?? But I do see how that Lord has continually called me back to himself, has continually allowed me to be sensitive to His voice! Thank you Jesus!
BUT! As I sat in Church the Lord asked me, are you preparing for your future to rise up a generation that is going to be a game changer, a generation that will be sold out for me!!! How are you doing that? Are you preparing? Do you know my Word?
Okay Lord I am listening! I am committing to  spending time in your Word, so this season is about to be full of your Word! I want to be at my best for whatever my future holds! No more once a week time in the Word, Lord with your help, I want to make it daily!! Its a big commitment, I am scared to make it, but I know it will be so worth it!!
All my seasons belong to you Jesus!

Why

I will say I do not understand right now, today has proven to be a very frustrating, lonely and difficult day. Sickness wide spread across school and in my house. Heart burn that just won't go away, the reality and realization that I am the only person out of all my friends to still live at home under my parents roof with no prospects of other options.... my parents are looking at other options for houses right now, although I will look forward to having an actual real door and a window, but the idea of being confined to a small room size space with no ability of having any other furniture beside a bed is not a fun thought!
Also, I am feeling festered, angry and defeated I choose not to sit in it but rather give it all over to the Lord and say thank you Jesus for:
A healthy family
The Best of friends
A job teaching
An amazing bed
Somewhere safe to stay
A dog
Realization that I am allergic to gluten and no longer have to get sick every time that I eat.
A heavenly Father that Loves me!
Gods Peace
Gods grace
Gods perfect plan over my life!

THANK YOU Jesus for all that you have done even when I do see the big picture or what you are doing right in front of me!                   

Can it be? One year already?

Wow! It's really been a year! It has been 1 year since I interviewed at Noble Academy- Cleveland! I never expected to still be where I am at today! It sure has been one heck of a year! A year of great joys, of intense sorrows, of crazy excitement, of heartbreak and loss! I have grown! I have grown to know Jesus with greater intimacy! I have learned more about myself and who I am because of the Jesus in me, because of the genetics within me as I have spent time with my Aunts getting to know them more from here in my hometown (Auntie Carole & Auntie Sharon ) all the way to California (Aunt Theresa)! 

I thought I was interviewing for a job that would keep me here for a few months as a sub, until I left to teach in a different country. That was my plan and I surely thought that was God's as well! Just as the Word says  “To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven:”

Ecclesiastes 3:1 and that there is! Although I was so sure I knew what God had in mind, I am so glad He has our best interest in mind! 

I think even though I wanted to leave, I wanted to go to a different country, God had a reason, a purpose for me to be right here in Ohio! And as I see and reflect today I can see it is more than even just one reason, it has been many that He has planted me right here for such a time as this!

And I can't even believe I am saying this, but I am okay with that!! I am thankful! I am at peace, I am Glad that I have been able to be here with family, with friends with my very students & staff! 

So has this year has proven to be exceptionally difficult: unexpectedly losing my precious grandma, having to take a step backwards as it feels and live with my parents, unexpectedly losing my uncle and many ups & downs in between! 

But despite the hard there have been so many praises and joys of staying back in Ohio from getting to visit with my Grandma every week from September to January and for that I will be forever thankful, as we had such precious moments of holding hands, chatting, rubbing her feet, talking about how Alex Tervec was my great grandma's crush to having the opportunity of thanking her for showing exactly what Martin Luther King Jr was taking about! To getting to be a teacher at Noble Academy and having some of the most precious students that I absolutely love, to watching friendships grow as I was given amazing support through some tough days, I saw the importance of family and the healing that can take place when you can just be together! 

Exactly one year ago, when I interviewed on September 12th, I had no clue that this year would look the way it did, but I would not trade it for anything, not even Africa! This past weekend I was challenged and reminded of three very important things: 1. As I sang along to a very familiar song that I love so much.... "Jesus at the center of it all

Jesus at the center of it all

From beginning to the end

It will always be, it's always been You

Jesus, Jesus

Nothing else matters

Nothing in this world will do

'Cause Jesus You're the center

Everything revolves around You

Jesus You

At the center of it all

At the center of it all

Jesus be the center of my life

Jesus be the center of my life

From beginning to the end

It will always be, it's always been You

Jesus, Jesus

Nothing else matters

Nothing in this world will do

'Cause Jesus You're the center

Everything revolves around You

Jesus You!" I was challenged by the Holy Spirit asking me if I was making Jesus the center of my all? Of my life! I am so thankful He reminded me to get my focus back in order!! 

2. Gods timing is perfect, as I have gotten to journey with my precious sister for the last year through ups and downs, passes and fails.... I was able to witness first hard the result of intense faith, blessing after blessing poured out, I saw dreams come true, I saw a very thankful and peaceful friend reflecting Christ through the whole part of this part of her journey... even through the waiting.... and I was so blessed and encouraged to do the same! Thanks Tish for being an example and one of my biggest cheerleaders!! 

3. Finally in a church I was visiting with Tish in Wooster on Sunday.... I again was singing along to another familiar song Oceans and the part the Lord really used to speak to me: "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior!" I for so long had my own definition of what taking me deeper meant... but I never put it into perspective of right here right now where I am at!!! 

So that is my prayer and hearts cry as I end this post is that the Lord would take me even deeper right here right now, right where I am at that it would make my FAITH STRONGER!

Loss

Loss, according to dictionary.com : the state of being deprived of or of being without something that one has had. Oh how I hate those words! These past two weeks have seemed to ring those very words again and again as first it was the loss of one dear ladies mom and then my roomie lost her last grandparent and then another dear lady who is so dear to me it was her dad and then just a few days after that, it was the loss of one of the dear gals I went to college with who loss her precious young brother. My prayers, thoughts, and heart went out again and again for all these precious ladies and friends, I have spent the past two weeks praying again and again for these dear families, because I have had the honor of knowing all these dear ladies it felt so close to home, not something distant and unfamiliar, so I prayed and prayed! And then boom it hit so close once again for a 2nd time this year on the same side of the family, (my grandma in January) now my uncle on Friday suddenly passed away. I am left with questions, sadness, pain... I keep asking why? Why should my dear aunts have to lose another brother, why should my young 26 and 30 year old cousin have to lose a dad so young? Why does it all have to happen at the same time? 

All my questions might not have answers. It's okay to hurt, it's okay to ask why, it's okay to wonder! 

But what I do know is: we live in a very broken World, that is full of hate and pain, no one is safe from death or the pain from it. We are human, we hurt, but I also know, we have HOPE! Guys we need hope!!  “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Isaiah 41:10 The Lord has us, He is our hope and our promise, He is our peace! I know our hearts hurt and we don't fully understand, but please know we do not journey alone, when we have a relationship with Jesus, there is life and hope beyond this life on earth, this is not the end! So when we have Jesus we have a hope and peace that goes with us, even though our darkest times!! 

Dear Future Husband

Dear my future Husband,
I am praying for you even now, I know God is preparing my heart and yous as well! Oh how my heart longs to meet you and know you! To be a wife and a mother!! I can not promise to be perfect or have it all together, but I can promise to love and serve JESUS everyday, to be made new by Him! I will committee to learning and growing day by day! oh how i pray the LORD calls us to ministry... maybe overseas! I know His plans are perfect! I look forward to the day, I will finally get tomcat you! until then as I wait, I will commit to growing and being refined in the LORD! I will pray GOD is growing you into a GODLY leader, warrior and lover of GOD and His Word!

He Knows Best!

I am  so glad and so thankful that God knows us best of all! He knows exactly what we needed and where we need to be!
To think just 6 short months ago I was completely lost as to where I was suppose to be teaching, I was up to where the Lord would put me, but at the same time I was almost sure that it was Africa!
Well... Thank goodness the Lord leads, because on September 12th and 13th I interviewed for two subbing jobs back to back and on both of those days I had the amazing privilege to visit with my precious grandma because my interviews were right around the corner from where she was staying! Amongst enjoying frostys, the sunsine and the upclose and personal squirrels in the court yard, the Lord laid it on my heart to ask my grammy gram, if she knew Jesus and in her precious voice, she said she wasn't sure, I asked her if she would like to ask Jesus into her heart and she said yes!!! So together we prayed and asked Jesus and that day she give her life to Jesus!
Then the next few days proved to be busy but oh so perfect as I helped Emily put the finishing touches on her wedding and I got to truly enjoy the week with her and then see her marry the man of her dreams as her maid of honor and celebrate her truly beautiful wedding, then after a busy wedding weekend, I got a call Tuesday that I had gotten the long term sub job in a 1st grade classroom at Noble Academy, I was ecstatic!! It was perfect..... I started the following day on Wednesday September 21st.... All that I could think was it was perfect... I could sub until Christmas break and then leave to go to Africa! Well three weeks into subbing in the 1st grade classroom, I got pulled into the vice principal's office, being told the elementary special ed teacher was leaving and that since I was licensed they would need me to sub in her spot for as long as I could or until they found a new teacher to replace her...... I was a little thrown off by it!!! But I went with it... in the middle of figuring out the new special education job, On October 11th I got an email from Africa, stating that I had not gotten the job. For the first few days after receiving the email, I was a bit sad, confused and even bitter. But I also knew deep down inside God had a bigger and better plan! And boy did did he! I let Noble Academy know, I would love to be their full time Special Education Teacher!
The last 5 months of teaching at Noble Academy have been amazing, as I work with an amazing staff who are kind, fun, energetic, passionate, giving and so helpful! Especially my two special ed teacher buddies who have helped me so much as we have worked great together as a team! I have made a great work friend as we were the newbies together, thanks Ashley for being my friend and I am so glad you stayed! And last but not lest I worked for an amazing boss who loves the Lord and is incredibly kind and helpful and I know I can always go to her with any question and feel completely supported! Yes it is school and yes there have been bumps in the road and yes it was a huge pay cut, but it truly has been one of the biggest blessings and opportunities I am learning so much, growing as a teacher, I love my kids and my job!

Aside from a job that has been a blessing, I have gotten to do life with my 3 dearest friends!
I have gotten to be spend 2 weekends a month with my dear sister and friend journeying through lifes ups and downs as we learn about and pursue the Lord more and more, being able to live and do life with such a dear friend is a complete honor and joy!! I love that I get to worship Jesus with you, thank you for being there with a hug and prayers when I find out bad news, thank you for all your listening ears and thank you for loving me so much!! I love you so much Tish!!
Getting to be Auntie to dear Easton and go on monthly... sometimes weekly shopping trips with his mommy Hannah has been such an amazing honor, so fun! I love our talks and just doing life with you Han, I love you girl!
Oh Emily, Wedding shananigans, your first home, your first pet, our amazing sushi dates, you just letting me come over just because I needed to be with you, I needed you to distract me because my heart was hurting.... you always said, just come over! Or the time you brought your kitty to see my grammy gram or that one thing that happened this summer and you acted like it was no big deal! Em I love doing life with you sweet friend, I love lady you lady!!

But the cherry on top of the scoops of friendships and the job that is a blessing are the weekly visits that I got to have with my grammy gram because she was only 3 minutes from the school that I am teaching at! I loved all my visits with her over the last 5 months if it be just holding her hand, asking her questions, telling her about my day or students, she always told me how beautiful either I or my smile was! I loved my time with her over the last 27 years, an amazing privilege indeed!
Our conversations included leading her to Jesus, prayer, getting to ask her where she learned how to be so culturally diverse and excepting and loving of all people, getting to thank her for her example that I have learned from, her telling me Alex Tervec was great grandmas boyfriend because she liked him so much, how much she loved her family, stories about her dogs, how wonderful the squirrels were, wheel chair rides around the garden and so much more!! I am going to miss my precious grammy gram so much, but I am so glad that the Lord allowed me to be here for such a time as this! There is no place I would rather be than right here! I got to speak at my grandmas funeral last week:
"My Tribute to Grandma Beverly Sapatka" 1-25-2017
Grandma left such an impact on so many lives and so many memories, one of my favorites was our bumming adventures, which was us simply riding around in her car telling stories and laughing on our way to shop or eat. I could share stories and memories for days. But I will say one of the greatest and most valuable lessons I have learned from grandma is the ability to love and give freely of yourself without expecting anything in return, A true servant indeed and a model of Mark 12:31 "Love your neighbor as yourself" My grandma was one of the strongest woman I know, from winning her battle with cancer to loving and forgiving again and again despite the pain it caused her, no matter what she faced, she went on loving! She loved diversity, and appreciated people from every culture and race, and amongst many things I know that is where I get my love of all people from, as I had the privilege for the last 27 years to watch and listen as grandma talked highly of every person and treated everyone with great respect and love! For the many examples and legacy of love she has left, I will be forever grateful! Her legacy will live on in her 4 children and 7 grandchildren.
2 Things I know Grandma would want you to know:
1. "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life. - John 3:16 Because of her relationship with Jesus, she is dancing with Jesus right now!
2. She would want us to forgive and love everyone! No matter what! Lets make her proud!!

So like I said!! I am so glad He knows best!!!


“even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139:10‬

So even as I sit here writing this and my mom is in the hospital staying overnight and the doctors are not sure what is wrong with her and as we wait for test results! I know the Lord has me right where he wants me! He has my family right where He wants them, He is softening hearts and breaks down walls!I choose to trust Him no matter what! I know He is in control and has our best in mind!

In the Waiting....

 Waiting! That seems to be a very common theme in my life over the last few years!  But today I looked up the word wait and this is what it said:

1. To remain inactive or in a state ofrepose
2. to be available or inreadiness
3. to continue as one is in expectation of;await

Number 2 might be my favorite,  in the season of waiting, I definitely want to be available to whatever the Lord would have for me to do and to be! Actually, I love that word available because when we set our hearts and our minds  to be available, God can use us! So instead of saying, I'm waiting... what would it look like if I started saying,  I'm AVAILABLE  for whatever the Lord has?

And what does the Bible say about waiting?

“Wait patiently for the LORD. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭27:14‬ ‭

I love this encouragement from David! Even David had to wait on the Lord often, and I don't mean just once or twice but again and again and again! So if David can wait so can I!  And as David waited on the Lord, the Lord directed him!  Not only did he directed him but he sat with him,  even in the waiting the Lord was right there with him! 

So as I sit essentially jobless  at the moment!  Because I told the school in Cleveland no,  because I did not have the Lords peace upon it! I do you sit here with great peace knowing that the Lord is caring for my every moment! So as I sit and wait on August 22 to come, to see if Africa is indeed where the Lord would have me to teach! I choose to make available my new word,  so instead of saying I am waiting I am going to say, "I'm available for whatever the Lord has for me!"

Dear Future Me!

 Dear future me,
Right now as you sit in a time of  time of uncertainty and the unknown, know that God is absolutely in control! Right now it may not make much sense not knowing the future not knowing where I'm going to teach not knowing where I am going to live!  No one else may understand, but I know that you told me to just wait on you Lord! So are they wait I know that you were going to teach me so much dear Lord and I know that when I look back in a month or maybe two months or year I'm going to see how very much that the Lord has seminary life! But I have to say it's hard when my family and people around me  I trying to find me jobs and trying to tell me that I need to know what I'm doing! But I know my biggest job right now is to wait on you Lord! So right now I'm in a crossroad I trying to decide if I'm supposed to teach in Cleveland at the charter school or am I  supposed to go to Papa New Guinea or to Africa??? But thank you Lord that you know  Lord what exactly my future holds!  I thought for sure but now I would know what I was doing! I'm trying to learn and be sensitive to your voice in knowing what to do if I should act or sit still or tell one school know that I can't come or yes to another school although I know for sure is I want to be within your will Lord! Also I do know  that you gave me a piece about not filling out the big application process for the public schools I know too many that makes no sense but I know you told me not to do it! Thank you for your peace! Lord please give me peace about the decision that I am to make in the near future or whenever you would see fit! Lord would you show me what it is that you woul have me to do?
 Thank you that you are teaching me in the season! Thank you for my friend Tish who's willing to listen and think you got you given her a like mine to understand! Thank you for her prayers and your listening ears and for her understanding and for her with them! Her friendship is a blessing! Thank you Lord for your word that you're teaching me so much as it been reading your word and devotions to go with it Lord I Thank you  that this has been a season of growth! A season of learning to trust your faithfulness for me! Thank you for the two weeks of rest so far and for  this third week  I am in now thank you so much for rest and a break from school!  Thank you that I've been able to be a part of helping Emily get ready for her wedding shower and her wedding to come! Thank you for cold air conditioning on hot summer days and nights thank you for a place to sleep and think you for my family! I do pray for my family that they would come to know you  Jesus  that they were desire the things of you that they would no longer turn their back towards you but that you would give them a hunger and desire to know you and to have you be a part of their lives! I know that you can do it Lord I pray for healing in the marriage of my mom and dad and a paver salvation for Ben and Zach that they would turn the hearts to you! Thank you Jesus for moments of friendship with Tish and Emily and Hannah!  Thank you for continuously revealing yourself to me as in learning more more about your character the character of God thank you for showing me more about myself what I need to work on what are my strengths and what my weaknesses are!  Thank you is your teaching me about my strengths and weaknesses that you were teaching me that I have to be stronger and that I can't let my emotions control me nor can I put so much expectation on my friend Tish because I know that it hurts her and it affects our friendship so blurred would you continuously help me to give every emotion TU hope at the come under control I pay rebalance Lord Jesus that you just help me to control my emotions the way they need to, help me to find that balance in when and how to share help me not to hold my heart in and put it all on one person but help me to come to you first I think you guy am growing in the Syria but I pray for your continued guidance I know that you will help me!Thank you that you do not give up on me I think you for your grace and your mercy and I even think you got in these past few weeks you've been teaching me that I need to have mercy the way that Jonah had to have mercy even when it doesn't make sense or too hard Lord would you continuously help me to  show that grace and mercy to my whole family but especially to my dad! Sometimes I feel stuck and don't quite know how to do it so would you help me Lord? Thank you Jesus for a car that runs well Lord would you help me to figure out what I can do with my car if you call me to a different country to teach? Blurred I think you got even now you're planning each and every detail and so  I continue to serve under and place every detail in peace into your hand because I know that your plan is the very best for my life take my life for it belongs to you! I love you and I love what you're going to do with my future! Thank you for going before me and with me yours truly love Heather!! July 14, 2016

Decissions

Decisions..... Lord knows I do like to make them! Not at all! So here I am sorting through so much! So much to process and think through! I am getting ready to say goodbye to my first real teaching job, a job  I learned so much at and grew through some pretty tough trials both with students and staff, a job I could not imagine getting through without God's grace! I can say I survived two years of managing adults not my passion by a long shot, there were moments when I never thought I was going to make it! I learned so much about Autism and how amazing kids are and how they could fight any obstacle thrown their way if it be a label or a person's view, I saw kids define the odds and amaze us all! I saw the fruits of our labor, kids counting by 10's and 5's kids writing complete sentences with a capital letter and a period! I saw my kids fight against their inner self and remain seated even when everything in their bodies wanted to to get up or scream! I  learned so much from the little people in my classroom, I learned about their unconditional love and while some grew to be my favorites and were the master of daily hugs, I will be forever grateful for each one of them that taught me something! As this chapter ends I am both relieved and saddened!
I am ready for both a new chapter and beginning, but at this present moment I am unsure? I have signed a contract for Accel charter schools, I do not yet know what school I will be at or what grade and that doesn't bother/worry me as much as the unsureness of is this job for me? It was defiantly something I took before the Lord and sought Him on, I did not sense a no, but I also am not sure that I heard a yes?  Its a weird place to be, especially since I thought I wanted a different charter school... but Accel said that was not a good school? I also have had two jobs offers for schools in different countries that both do not start until January which would still allow me to be here for Emily's wedding in September, but they are not defiant yeses either! So like I said decisions to make and much to sort through!
So as I spend the next few days seeking the Lords wisdom and clarity I know He will lead and direct me, He is faithful and I trust Him!!

(Romans 11:20) O, Father, I do not want to miss any part of Your plan because of my own unbelief! Please forgive me for any unbelief, and help me walk by faith.

Lord God, teach me knowledge and good judgement, for I believe in your commands. (Ps. 119:66)

Transparent

Transparent: (of a material or article) allowing light to pass through so that objects behind can be distinctly seen. easy to perceive or detect. having thoughts, feelings, or motives that are easily perceived.

Today the title of our Sermon was: "Transparent From Dark to Light"

We began our service in the dark, the powered had gone off, so we only had 1 guitar and a drum, but oh my it was amazing to hear the voices of the saints being lifted up and the spirit of the Lord was dwelling in that place... it was incredible it did not matter that we did not have physical light!

Then the sermon was amazing, we talked about the woman with the issue of blood... after reading in Leviticus I realize how unclean and what an outcast she was because of the law... SHE WAS UNWANTED SHE WAS UNCLEAN AND UNTOUCHABLE!!

But instead of staying in that place and being the outcast, she Pushed herself to do! She had to push past her fears and against others in the crowd to get to Jesus!! Are we willing to push past others to get to Jesus, push past our own insecurities our own hurts to come to His thrown and lay them at His feet?

What we need to say to ourselves: 1. I AM (I have Issues)! For we will never change what we don't confront! 2. I CAN'T!  She could not do it on her own, she had to overcome the I can't and get to Jesus! 3. I WILL! (touch His garment with all our hearts!) We better be giving it our ALL! He feels our Heart, our pain! It was a touching moment for her, she felt Him! She got DOWN, she did it in front of those who disowned her!

If she can pass through the darkness as she pressed in, so can I! Being in a season of waiting, waiting on the Lord! Being transparent I have to say I have issues I have fears! The unknown... I don't like it, it is scary, but I am so thankful I have grown and am growing!  I have been in this place before not knowing where I will be in a few months, where I will live, where I will teach? But as I hunker down, laying before Him both physically in prayer and in spiritually laying it all down, I constantly  have to submit and surrender for I know His plans are the very best for me! I am blessed I am victorious, I am His... the enemy may want to whisper lies to me that the last two years have been a waste have been for nothing.... but I know better than that... I know I have grown as a teacher as a leader I have grown through my weaknesses that He may be known in my life! Yes the last two years have been so tough and not my favorite at moments, some lonely times! I am blessed I am loved and I am wanted by my savior, I must just reach out and touch Him!

Milkshakes & Tears ( The real thoughts of me today)

 Sometimes it's OK to just have a milkshake and cry!  It was one of those days ,not because of the kids the kids were actually great! But because of the staff! I know the Lord has called me to this very job at this very time, but sometimes I have to stop and asked myself why am I here and what am I doing?  I often feel very stressed out very confused very unsure of what I'm really doing, I totally do not feel cut out to be a manager or the Administrator   Or  supervisor or whatever kind of title you would like to put on it?  Some days I feel like it's finally getting better or easier or simpler or like I kind of have a handle on things? But then I have days like today days where I have to deal with disrespect days where I don't feel like I am in Charge of my classroom,  days like that's where I just feel hurt and lost and confused?    I am just trying to make sense of everything when I'm trying and praying so hard for God to develop the gifts within me to be a strong leader to be an advocate to be the source of God but I just don't feel like it some days I feel like I have failed I feel like I've messed up I feel like I  Come  across like a cat even when I want to be a lion but above all else I just want to show  Jesus I want everyone to know Jesus but so much of the time I feel like that is not so!  I feel like instead I just look weak  like I don't really know what I'm doing? But I know that God has called me to this  I know he is putting something in me that I don't yet understand? But how right now Am I suppose to just be ok, I don't see how all the pieces could possibly fit together I don't see how all the sudden I will just have this boldness for this gift to  be a natural leader or a manager or supervisor I know I'm in this position  because that is the title that I have but I want to be true to that title I want to be the very best at that title and I guess what I struggle with the most is not feeling adequate!

 You see at the beginning of this month I received a prophecy that I have the gift of administration I know that I meant so caught the gifts and others in part of my vision at the beginning of the month that I also received was that I was to party over my  staff which I've been doing and  to pray with my staff  and I have been asking for the  opportunity and I am thankful he's given me the patients in a new vision and way of looking at things!  So that part I can see coming to be all in the Lords timing and he has given me the patience in waiting!



 I have to remind myself all in Gods timing! This weekend as I was ending my fast I was being reminded that Jesus and Joseph in John the Baptist and Elijah were all preparing for what God had for them so that in their 30s they could do what God has called in to do in their ministry the so-called dream,  if you want to call it that! So I commit to waiting and living faithfully for the Lord even when I feel frustrated or confused or just super unsure about the situation I know that God is building  and preparing for what comes next piece by piece second by second moment by moment but can I just be the first to say it's is really really really hard! But I am thankful I have the Lord!

 I am thankful that I have the Lord because I have to say this last week has been pretty tough as i loss my little doggie of 18 years it was a time of feeling super lonely and kind of like I haven't really had anyone to talk to too!   I know not everyone quite understands how I can love a dog so much and I guess I can't really expects others to understand in the sense of the loss of a dog meaning  so much!
 It was just the fact that she meant so very much to me the fact that he honestly was one of gods greatest gifts to me and his friendship and his loyalty and his love how he loved unconditionally without any limits without any expectations unconditionally he was there he was faithful much like the character of God  yeah he wasn't perfect but he definitely had so many gifts and his little personality and his precious peasants I would say I meant everything each day I'm reminded of how very special he was in each day honestly I think I missed him a little more!  Right now I can't even imagine going home to visit my family and he not be there but thought of it even as I write this breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes I know it's going to be a healing process but I'm not really sure how to do this healing or grieving the only thing I know to do is just talk to the Lord about it which I know is really good but even though it seems so silly  I just feel so sad and so alone in the whole situation I know it's probably the enemy trying to speak lies or make me believe things that aren't true but what I do know is that my heart hurts what I do know is I feel alone what I do know is I'm just not sure? So I will do what I know to do I will pray I will read my word I will  worship! And I guess I will just take it day by day moment by moment just like I'm going to do with the whole learning how to be an leader or  administrator or supervisor I will trust in the Lord to teach me to mold me into shape me I'm thankful that he hasn't given up on me and sees my beginning from my end  he has each of my days planned perfectly and for that I am thankful!

 So as I sit here sipping on my last few sips of my milkshake drying my tears I commit to taking it day by day moment by moment I don't want to ever miss out on an opportunity or time the Lord is trying to teach me something I think it's OK walking away with the heart that's so kind of hurts but knowing that the Lord is going to take care of it !

 I may not always get what the Lord is doing or understand it but I'm sure when I look back on this I will see how the Lord has grown me from this point how is help me to see new perspectives to see situations a new way  I'm sure that the Lord will have brought me so far and healing and making me a better leader and helping me to be a better friend and helping me to be a better daughter and a bettee sister  and helping me to be a better follower of Christ I surely do need his help that is for sure! So today I say Lord take all this but is not my burden to carry or to hold or to grasp so tightly but to say Lord take it use in my life to bring me closer to you for there's nothing in this life I want more than to know you Lord Jesus so may you be my all take it I release!

Beautiful Mexico

Oh Mexico! How I have fallen in love with you... And even more soooo, falling more in love with the God who has created your land, as I see the beauty in your people, as I see the beauty in your attitudes and smiles, I am touched, challenged and my heart and main focus in the week that I had the privilege and honor in serving in Mexico was Romans 10:1.... And still today it's a verse that continues to be upon my mind as I reflect back over my week in Mexico: “Brethren, my heart's desire and my prayer to God for them is for their salvation.” 
Romans 10:1  I pray Mexico that as a revival is upon your land that you would seek Jesus with your whole heart, so that precious little ladies and gentlemen just like this is señorita can grow up to know a Jesus that loves them and paid it all for them! ❤️💜💚💛

As this is the simplicity and the whole purpose of our lives of our calling to be His disciples! I could stop there, but let me take a little time to go a little in depth into what I have been reflecting on in the last week since being home from Mexico for a whole week now! It was incredible!

  I could not have asked for a better team! Getting to meet Jon & Paula the newly married couple who choose to serve in place of a honeymoon touched my heart beyond belief, the sacrifice of being the hands and feet of Jesus with such love & gentleness and such giving and caring people I am so thankful I got to grow with them on the trip! Then there was our young one of the group, young but so mighty in The Lord! 17  but so ready to grow in The Lord! Her deepest desire to grow and hear from The Lord encouraged my heart like crazy, that faith no matter How tiny or How young, can be mightily used by The Lord to grow and encourage the kingdom of God! 



And last but not lest, the honor of serving in Mexico with my best friend or better yet my sista!! I had heard from Tish all about Mexico, her stories, her cards, her pictures... I was blessed with a taste of Mexico, it was right there... But I couldn't quite touch it! But for such a time as this, The Lord allowed it to be so that two sister that so desperately love Jesus, people, missions, travel, the Latin American culture to come together and serve one people together! It truly was the highlight of my year, I loved it more than words can say, it was an honor to see it, I feel it, to worship together & to see my sister grow in the passion that Jesus has places within her!! Tish was called by The Lord to be our team leader, and that she did with the strength of Jesus, she sacrificed, she loved, she was vulnerable, willing to be stretched & used even in her placement being changed, she was flexible! She demonstrated Christ in her obedience & fearlessness, she had knowledge about Mexico, but even more so, she had a love for Mexico that rubbed off on all of us like butter :) I didn't really realize it till we were home from the trip, but that love forJesus & Mexico she had made such a huge difference that, The Lord used it in such an amazing way that it made us 4 so much more comfortable with Mexico and as a result allowed us to get down to business and serve with a greater capacity, so thank you sis for being used of The Lord to serve our whole group, but in particular for your presence & patience was incredibly a blessing, love that for such a time as this we were sooo blessed to be in the same place doing what we love best together!!! Serving Jesus!!


I had the honor of getting to paint the nails if many little girls and ladies and although hrs language barrier was tough at times, it was incredible what a smile could do and represent, a smile that came from Jesus that comes from the middle of your heart, straight to the lady or girl whose Hand I was rubbing lotion on, or the giggles that came from the struggle of getting glitter nail polish off the ladies nails! What was sooo neat and so God about these precious moments was it wasn't me, it was all Jesus!!  Until these moments, I don't think I really truly understood what it meant To be a vessel of Christ, I literally thinking back on it, truly feel like the vessel holding the water, the water being Jesus! I am so thankful for this beautiful visual & even more thankful that Jesus allowed me to be used of Him and taught me so much and allowed there to be so much joy in the process!

We surly serve an amazing Savior!! I would love to go back to Mexico next summer! But The Lord knows! So His will! I shall be listening! Excited for the time He shall call me back! Until then, I shall serve The Lord faithfully day by day in His will & strength!! And just as Paul    Simply and most importantly put it: salvation is the priority!!!!

I Am Yours

I am yours! Yes that's right! That's the truth! I do belong to Christ!! I was going to name today's blog, "Tears" yes tears, because for a large portion of my long 3 hour drive home tonight.... That is what I did, I shed a lot of tears! Tears for a tough ending to a day, because no matter what I do in the teaching realm... It never quite feels good enough, although I thought things were going so much better this summer for summer school in comparison to the school year, so with a lot of organization in place & a plan I felt pretty good about & a smooth 2 weeks with the kids proving to be productive... And successful.... It still wasn't good enough, I was still picked a part and told to do things differently.... Wow! That broke my heart! It's tough having a classroom where you really don't have the opportunity to be the teacher & have the say so! Don't get me wrong, I totally love feedback & want to give the kids the best, but my heart longs to be a teacher.... To have a say so and be allowed to do what I have been trained to do, be allowed to be a teacher, so I am grieving for the loss of what feels like the loss of opportunity to be the teacher, I always dreamed to be! 
My heart & mind also thought a lot about my family, which brought on more tears... Tears for the Loss of Jesus in our home, I grieve for my family! That they do not want anything to do with Jesus, that a home that once had Jesus, has now shoved Him out the back door, oh my heart longs that they may know Jesus, that they would be able to live in His freedom & peace... I also thought, "I don't really know How to live in a home where Jesus isn't the center..... Do I even have a friend to ask what it's like, what do I do?" So many questions!
    So those tears where shed, questions where asked & thought about.... What felt so lonely at first in those moments,   But NO! Satan those are lies straight from the pit of Hell! I am so not alone! So together, my Savior, my Jesus, my very best friend... We cried together, we talked it through, we prayed it out & we worshipped!! 
Don't always understand what is going in, might not always agree with it or even love it.... But even despite the Circumstances and the external.... I have a Jesus that is my truth & security & we will continue to work through this together!!! 
I have faith & believe that in Gods way & timing  I will have a job that I love and my family will love Jesus & His truth! 

But no matter what, I will continue to proclaim:
 Here I am before You, falling in love and seeking Your truth

Knowing that Your perfect grace has brought me to this place

Because of You I freely live, my life to You, oh God, I give

So I stand before You, God

I lift my voice cause You set me free

So I shout out Your name, from the rooftops I proclaim

That I am Yours, I am Yours

All the good You've done for me, I lift up my hands for all to see

You're the only one who brings me to my knees

To share this love across the earth, the beauty of Your holy worth

So I kneel before You, God

I lift my hands cause You set me free

So I shout out Your name, from the rooftops I proclaim

That I am Yours, I am Yours

All that I am, I place into Your loving hands

And I am Yours, I am Yours

Here I am, I stand, with arms wide open

To the One, the Son, the Everlasting God