Decissions

Decisions..... Lord knows I do like to make them! Not at all! So here I am sorting through so much! So much to process and think through! I am getting ready to say goodbye to my first real teaching job, a job  I learned so much at and grew through some pretty tough trials both with students and staff, a job I could not imagine getting through without God's grace! I can say I survived two years of managing adults not my passion by a long shot, there were moments when I never thought I was going to make it! I learned so much about Autism and how amazing kids are and how they could fight any obstacle thrown their way if it be a label or a person's view, I saw kids define the odds and amaze us all! I saw the fruits of our labor, kids counting by 10's and 5's kids writing complete sentences with a capital letter and a period! I saw my kids fight against their inner self and remain seated even when everything in their bodies wanted to to get up or scream! I  learned so much from the little people in my classroom, I learned about their unconditional love and while some grew to be my favorites and were the master of daily hugs, I will be forever grateful for each one of them that taught me something! As this chapter ends I am both relieved and saddened!
I am ready for both a new chapter and beginning, but at this present moment I am unsure? I have signed a contract for Accel charter schools, I do not yet know what school I will be at or what grade and that doesn't bother/worry me as much as the unsureness of is this job for me? It was defiantly something I took before the Lord and sought Him on, I did not sense a no, but I also am not sure that I heard a yes?  Its a weird place to be, especially since I thought I wanted a different charter school... but Accel said that was not a good school? I also have had two jobs offers for schools in different countries that both do not start until January which would still allow me to be here for Emily's wedding in September, but they are not defiant yeses either! So like I said decisions to make and much to sort through!
So as I spend the next few days seeking the Lords wisdom and clarity I know He will lead and direct me, He is faithful and I trust Him!!

(Romans 11:20) O, Father, I do not want to miss any part of Your plan because of my own unbelief! Please forgive me for any unbelief, and help me walk by faith.

Lord God, teach me knowledge and good judgement, for I believe in your commands. (Ps. 119:66)

Transparent

Transparent: (of a material or article) allowing light to pass through so that objects behind can be distinctly seen. easy to perceive or detect. having thoughts, feelings, or motives that are easily perceived.

Today the title of our Sermon was: "Transparent From Dark to Light"

We began our service in the dark, the powered had gone off, so we only had 1 guitar and a drum, but oh my it was amazing to hear the voices of the saints being lifted up and the spirit of the Lord was dwelling in that place... it was incredible it did not matter that we did not have physical light!

Then the sermon was amazing, we talked about the woman with the issue of blood... after reading in Leviticus I realize how unclean and what an outcast she was because of the law... SHE WAS UNWANTED SHE WAS UNCLEAN AND UNTOUCHABLE!!

But instead of staying in that place and being the outcast, she Pushed herself to do! She had to push past her fears and against others in the crowd to get to Jesus!! Are we willing to push past others to get to Jesus, push past our own insecurities our own hurts to come to His thrown and lay them at His feet?

What we need to say to ourselves: 1. I AM (I have Issues)! For we will never change what we don't confront! 2. I CAN'T!  She could not do it on her own, she had to overcome the I can't and get to Jesus! 3. I WILL! (touch His garment with all our hearts!) We better be giving it our ALL! He feels our Heart, our pain! It was a touching moment for her, she felt Him! She got DOWN, she did it in front of those who disowned her!

If she can pass through the darkness as she pressed in, so can I! Being in a season of waiting, waiting on the Lord! Being transparent I have to say I have issues I have fears! The unknown... I don't like it, it is scary, but I am so thankful I have grown and am growing!  I have been in this place before not knowing where I will be in a few months, where I will live, where I will teach? But as I hunker down, laying before Him both physically in prayer and in spiritually laying it all down, I constantly  have to submit and surrender for I know His plans are the very best for me! I am blessed I am victorious, I am His... the enemy may want to whisper lies to me that the last two years have been a waste have been for nothing.... but I know better than that... I know I have grown as a teacher as a leader I have grown through my weaknesses that He may be known in my life! Yes the last two years have been so tough and not my favorite at moments, some lonely times! I am blessed I am loved and I am wanted by my savior, I must just reach out and touch Him!

Milkshakes & Tears ( The real thoughts of me today)

 Sometimes it's OK to just have a milkshake and cry!  It was one of those days ,not because of the kids the kids were actually great! But because of the staff! I know the Lord has called me to this very job at this very time, but sometimes I have to stop and asked myself why am I here and what am I doing?  I often feel very stressed out very confused very unsure of what I'm really doing, I totally do not feel cut out to be a manager or the Administrator   Or  supervisor or whatever kind of title you would like to put on it?  Some days I feel like it's finally getting better or easier or simpler or like I kind of have a handle on things? But then I have days like today days where I have to deal with disrespect days where I don't feel like I am in Charge of my classroom,  days like that's where I just feel hurt and lost and confused?    I am just trying to make sense of everything when I'm trying and praying so hard for God to develop the gifts within me to be a strong leader to be an advocate to be the source of God but I just don't feel like it some days I feel like I have failed I feel like I've messed up I feel like I  Come  across like a cat even when I want to be a lion but above all else I just want to show  Jesus I want everyone to know Jesus but so much of the time I feel like that is not so!  I feel like instead I just look weak  like I don't really know what I'm doing? But I know that God has called me to this  I know he is putting something in me that I don't yet understand? But how right now Am I suppose to just be ok, I don't see how all the pieces could possibly fit together I don't see how all the sudden I will just have this boldness for this gift to  be a natural leader or a manager or supervisor I know I'm in this position  because that is the title that I have but I want to be true to that title I want to be the very best at that title and I guess what I struggle with the most is not feeling adequate!

 You see at the beginning of this month I received a prophecy that I have the gift of administration I know that I meant so caught the gifts and others in part of my vision at the beginning of the month that I also received was that I was to party over my  staff which I've been doing and  to pray with my staff  and I have been asking for the  opportunity and I am thankful he's given me the patients in a new vision and way of looking at things!  So that part I can see coming to be all in the Lords timing and he has given me the patience in waiting!



 I have to remind myself all in Gods timing! This weekend as I was ending my fast I was being reminded that Jesus and Joseph in John the Baptist and Elijah were all preparing for what God had for them so that in their 30s they could do what God has called in to do in their ministry the so-called dream,  if you want to call it that! So I commit to waiting and living faithfully for the Lord even when I feel frustrated or confused or just super unsure about the situation I know that God is building  and preparing for what comes next piece by piece second by second moment by moment but can I just be the first to say it's is really really really hard! But I am thankful I have the Lord!

 I am thankful that I have the Lord because I have to say this last week has been pretty tough as i loss my little doggie of 18 years it was a time of feeling super lonely and kind of like I haven't really had anyone to talk to too!   I know not everyone quite understands how I can love a dog so much and I guess I can't really expects others to understand in the sense of the loss of a dog meaning  so much!
 It was just the fact that she meant so very much to me the fact that he honestly was one of gods greatest gifts to me and his friendship and his loyalty and his love how he loved unconditionally without any limits without any expectations unconditionally he was there he was faithful much like the character of God  yeah he wasn't perfect but he definitely had so many gifts and his little personality and his precious peasants I would say I meant everything each day I'm reminded of how very special he was in each day honestly I think I missed him a little more!  Right now I can't even imagine going home to visit my family and he not be there but thought of it even as I write this breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes I know it's going to be a healing process but I'm not really sure how to do this healing or grieving the only thing I know to do is just talk to the Lord about it which I know is really good but even though it seems so silly  I just feel so sad and so alone in the whole situation I know it's probably the enemy trying to speak lies or make me believe things that aren't true but what I do know is that my heart hurts what I do know is I feel alone what I do know is I'm just not sure? So I will do what I know to do I will pray I will read my word I will  worship! And I guess I will just take it day by day moment by moment just like I'm going to do with the whole learning how to be an leader or  administrator or supervisor I will trust in the Lord to teach me to mold me into shape me I'm thankful that he hasn't given up on me and sees my beginning from my end  he has each of my days planned perfectly and for that I am thankful!

 So as I sit here sipping on my last few sips of my milkshake drying my tears I commit to taking it day by day moment by moment I don't want to ever miss out on an opportunity or time the Lord is trying to teach me something I think it's OK walking away with the heart that's so kind of hurts but knowing that the Lord is going to take care of it !

 I may not always get what the Lord is doing or understand it but I'm sure when I look back on this I will see how the Lord has grown me from this point how is help me to see new perspectives to see situations a new way  I'm sure that the Lord will have brought me so far and healing and making me a better leader and helping me to be a better friend and helping me to be a better daughter and a bettee sister  and helping me to be a better follower of Christ I surely do need his help that is for sure! So today I say Lord take all this but is not my burden to carry or to hold or to grasp so tightly but to say Lord take it use in my life to bring me closer to you for there's nothing in this life I want more than to know you Lord Jesus so may you be my all take it I release!

Beautiful Mexico

Oh Mexico! How I have fallen in love with you... And even more soooo, falling more in love with the God who has created your land, as I see the beauty in your people, as I see the beauty in your attitudes and smiles, I am touched, challenged and my heart and main focus in the week that I had the privilege and honor in serving in Mexico was Romans 10:1.... And still today it's a verse that continues to be upon my mind as I reflect back over my week in Mexico: “Brethren, my heart's desire and my prayer to God for them is for their salvation.” 
Romans 10:1  I pray Mexico that as a revival is upon your land that you would seek Jesus with your whole heart, so that precious little ladies and gentlemen just like this is señorita can grow up to know a Jesus that loves them and paid it all for them! ❤️💜💚💛

As this is the simplicity and the whole purpose of our lives of our calling to be His disciples! I could stop there, but let me take a little time to go a little in depth into what I have been reflecting on in the last week since being home from Mexico for a whole week now! It was incredible!

  I could not have asked for a better team! Getting to meet Jon & Paula the newly married couple who choose to serve in place of a honeymoon touched my heart beyond belief, the sacrifice of being the hands and feet of Jesus with such love & gentleness and such giving and caring people I am so thankful I got to grow with them on the trip! Then there was our young one of the group, young but so mighty in The Lord! 17  but so ready to grow in The Lord! Her deepest desire to grow and hear from The Lord encouraged my heart like crazy, that faith no matter How tiny or How young, can be mightily used by The Lord to grow and encourage the kingdom of God! 



And last but not lest, the honor of serving in Mexico with my best friend or better yet my sista!! I had heard from Tish all about Mexico, her stories, her cards, her pictures... I was blessed with a taste of Mexico, it was right there... But I couldn't quite touch it! But for such a time as this, The Lord allowed it to be so that two sister that so desperately love Jesus, people, missions, travel, the Latin American culture to come together and serve one people together! It truly was the highlight of my year, I loved it more than words can say, it was an honor to see it, I feel it, to worship together & to see my sister grow in the passion that Jesus has places within her!! Tish was called by The Lord to be our team leader, and that she did with the strength of Jesus, she sacrificed, she loved, she was vulnerable, willing to be stretched & used even in her placement being changed, she was flexible! She demonstrated Christ in her obedience & fearlessness, she had knowledge about Mexico, but even more so, she had a love for Mexico that rubbed off on all of us like butter :) I didn't really realize it till we were home from the trip, but that love forJesus & Mexico she had made such a huge difference that, The Lord used it in such an amazing way that it made us 4 so much more comfortable with Mexico and as a result allowed us to get down to business and serve with a greater capacity, so thank you sis for being used of The Lord to serve our whole group, but in particular for your presence & patience was incredibly a blessing, love that for such a time as this we were sooo blessed to be in the same place doing what we love best together!!! Serving Jesus!!


I had the honor of getting to paint the nails if many little girls and ladies and although hrs language barrier was tough at times, it was incredible what a smile could do and represent, a smile that came from Jesus that comes from the middle of your heart, straight to the lady or girl whose Hand I was rubbing lotion on, or the giggles that came from the struggle of getting glitter nail polish off the ladies nails! What was sooo neat and so God about these precious moments was it wasn't me, it was all Jesus!!  Until these moments, I don't think I really truly understood what it meant To be a vessel of Christ, I literally thinking back on it, truly feel like the vessel holding the water, the water being Jesus! I am so thankful for this beautiful visual & even more thankful that Jesus allowed me to be used of Him and taught me so much and allowed there to be so much joy in the process!

We surly serve an amazing Savior!! I would love to go back to Mexico next summer! But The Lord knows! So His will! I shall be listening! Excited for the time He shall call me back! Until then, I shall serve The Lord faithfully day by day in His will & strength!! And just as Paul    Simply and most importantly put it: salvation is the priority!!!!

I Am Yours

I am yours! Yes that's right! That's the truth! I do belong to Christ!! I was going to name today's blog, "Tears" yes tears, because for a large portion of my long 3 hour drive home tonight.... That is what I did, I shed a lot of tears! Tears for a tough ending to a day, because no matter what I do in the teaching realm... It never quite feels good enough, although I thought things were going so much better this summer for summer school in comparison to the school year, so with a lot of organization in place & a plan I felt pretty good about & a smooth 2 weeks with the kids proving to be productive... And successful.... It still wasn't good enough, I was still picked a part and told to do things differently.... Wow! That broke my heart! It's tough having a classroom where you really don't have the opportunity to be the teacher & have the say so! Don't get me wrong, I totally love feedback & want to give the kids the best, but my heart longs to be a teacher.... To have a say so and be allowed to do what I have been trained to do, be allowed to be a teacher, so I am grieving for the loss of what feels like the loss of opportunity to be the teacher, I always dreamed to be! 
My heart & mind also thought a lot about my family, which brought on more tears... Tears for the Loss of Jesus in our home, I grieve for my family! That they do not want anything to do with Jesus, that a home that once had Jesus, has now shoved Him out the back door, oh my heart longs that they may know Jesus, that they would be able to live in His freedom & peace... I also thought, "I don't really know How to live in a home where Jesus isn't the center..... Do I even have a friend to ask what it's like, what do I do?" So many questions!
    So those tears where shed, questions where asked & thought about.... What felt so lonely at first in those moments,   But NO! Satan those are lies straight from the pit of Hell! I am so not alone! So together, my Savior, my Jesus, my very best friend... We cried together, we talked it through, we prayed it out & we worshipped!! 
Don't always understand what is going in, might not always agree with it or even love it.... But even despite the Circumstances and the external.... I have a Jesus that is my truth & security & we will continue to work through this together!!! 
I have faith & believe that in Gods way & timing  I will have a job that I love and my family will love Jesus & His truth! 

But no matter what, I will continue to proclaim:
 Here I am before You, falling in love and seeking Your truth

Knowing that Your perfect grace has brought me to this place

Because of You I freely live, my life to You, oh God, I give

So I stand before You, God

I lift my voice cause You set me free

So I shout out Your name, from the rooftops I proclaim

That I am Yours, I am Yours

All the good You've done for me, I lift up my hands for all to see

You're the only one who brings me to my knees

To share this love across the earth, the beauty of Your holy worth

So I kneel before You, God

I lift my hands cause You set me free

So I shout out Your name, from the rooftops I proclaim

That I am Yours, I am Yours

All that I am, I place into Your loving hands

And I am Yours, I am Yours

Here I am, I stand, with arms wide open

To the One, the Son, the Everlasting God

How Can This Be?

How can this be? I have completed my first full year of teaching?!?
I would say yes! It was a miracle! Nothing short of Gods miraculous hands a part of each detail and day! Nothing short of a dependent heart, soul, mind & body upon my Savior! It was a tough year! The kids were a tough audience for sure, their behaviors very tough at times to manage... With the biting, hitting, kicking & swearing... It proved to be a challenging and scaring year both figuratively & literally, I have the battle wounds to prove it, just ask! So yes the kids were tough, but at times the staff was harder.... But honestly our last month of school was the best, God eliminated the "problem staff" member & there was peace like never before... Despite being way understaffed, everyone worked so hard, and like champions, we finished off the school year strong!!
So like I said, super tough school year!  But I am so thankful for your honestly and truth from way back in October! When you told me it would be a tough school year, but you told me... You would be right there! And that my Savior was! So yes I felt so defeated at times, but so thankfully I can say I never did give up, because Christ was my strength and shield! So all glory and thanks to Him I made it through my first fully year of teaching and have that under my belt! I learned so much and grew so much! 
So as the year came to a close... There also came the opportunity to sign for a second heat as the Intervention Specialist for the Marion Step by Step classroom! I so desperately wanted to say no! But as I sought The Lord, he made it so clear that I was to stay! I may not understand or completely see why! But I am so thankful He knows why? We shall see? It may be to share Jesus with one of my coworkers Jenn who is becoming one of my friends and seeking truth, it may be simpley be to continue to love the unlovable! It may be to grow even more as a newer teacher! It may be all of the above! But whatever it is! I still say wherever you send me Lord use me!! For this is the cry of my heart! Never let me forget!


Also use me in the moments when you have me at home with my family, even through the pain and bitterness and ungodliness that is so present you could cut it with a knife! I know I have been called to intercede on behalf of my family! So that is what I shall do! For I love my family! So there is nothing I want more than to see my dad set free from the bondage of anger, bitterness, expectation, money & greed, for my mom to just be happy and not worried and for my brothers to know Jesus and His truth and oh for my parents marraige to be restored and healed! I know that I serve a God that is able so once again I choose to step out in faith and believe it to be so! He is able!

I am so thankful for:
   *a love for my Savior
   *a best friend who loves her savior more than anything else, for all her prayers, love & support
   * a teaching job
   * health 
   *forgiveness 
   * room to grow
   *freedom to worship
   * a great safe car
   * memories (big & small) oh and pictures to remind me of the memories :)
   * a love for reading 
   * healing 
   *relationships
   * opportunities to share Jesus
   * opportunist to trust & grow my faith
   * that I will have the opportunity to go to Mexico soon!
   * summer 

Thanks you Jesus for so much!

Defeated

Honest moments!!! Today I feel defeated!! Really this week I feel sooooo defeated!! I want to give up, I want to just go in a corner and cry!!
School.... My staff.... It's been a tough week... A tough school year!! I know these are lies straight from the enemy and I call them out as sooo!!!
I choose despite How I may feel to claim the victory in Christ!! I choose to cling to Christ!! To know this crazy school year has been for my growth in Jesus! I will not doubt Gods plan for my life!! I know He knows what He is doing... That He is going me & changing me... Even if I don't see it or see  the purpose I am reminded that we place our hope not on what is seen, but what is unseen... Just has Abraham had to trust even at the age of 100 that God would give him a son... And Peter had to trust Jesus to walk on water!! Yes these men made mistakes even with Gods promises before them... Yet God still showed mercy and grace  & he used theses men despite their mess ups... To change the world with the Love of Christ!!
ThereforevI choose to be a kingdom builder... Despite How I may feel... I choose to trust & claim the victory in Jesus name!!