Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Milkshakes & Tears ( The real thoughts of me today)

 Sometimes it's OK to just have a milkshake and cry!  It was one of those days ,not because of the kids the kids were actually great! But because of the staff! I know the Lord has called me to this very job at this very time, but sometimes I have to stop and asked myself why am I here and what am I doing?  I often feel very stressed out very confused very unsure of what I'm really doing, I totally do not feel cut out to be a manager or the Administrator   Or  supervisor or whatever kind of title you would like to put on it?  Some days I feel like it's finally getting better or easier or simpler or like I kind of have a handle on things? But then I have days like today days where I have to deal with disrespect days where I don't feel like I am in Charge of my classroom,  days like that's where I just feel hurt and lost and confused?    I am just trying to make sense of everything when I'm trying and praying so hard for God to develop the gifts within me to be a strong leader to be an advocate to be the source of God but I just don't feel like it some days I feel like I have failed I feel like I've messed up I feel like I  Come  across like a cat even when I want to be a lion but above all else I just want to show  Jesus I want everyone to know Jesus but so much of the time I feel like that is not so!  I feel like instead I just look weak  like I don't really know what I'm doing? But I know that God has called me to this  I know he is putting something in me that I don't yet understand? But how right now Am I suppose to just be ok, I don't see how all the pieces could possibly fit together I don't see how all the sudden I will just have this boldness for this gift to  be a natural leader or a manager or supervisor I know I'm in this position  because that is the title that I have but I want to be true to that title I want to be the very best at that title and I guess what I struggle with the most is not feeling adequate!

 You see at the beginning of this month I received a prophecy that I have the gift of administration I know that I meant so caught the gifts and others in part of my vision at the beginning of the month that I also received was that I was to party over my  staff which I've been doing and  to pray with my staff  and I have been asking for the  opportunity and I am thankful he's given me the patients in a new vision and way of looking at things!  So that part I can see coming to be all in the Lords timing and he has given me the patience in waiting!

 I have to remind myself all in Gods timing! This weekend as I was ending my fast I was being reminded that Jesus and Joseph in John the Baptist and Elijah were all preparing for what God had for them so that in their 30s they could do what God has called in to do in their ministry the so-called dream,  if you want to call it that! So I commit to waiting and living faithfully for the Lord even when I feel frustrated or confused or just super unsure about the situation I know that God is building  and preparing for what comes next piece by piece second by second moment by moment but can I just be the first to say it's is really really really hard! But I am thankful I have the Lord!

 I am thankful that I have the Lord because I have to say this last week has been pretty tough as i loss my little doggie of 18 years it was a time of feeling super lonely and kind of like I haven't really had anyone to talk to too!   I know not everyone quite understands how I can love a dog so much and I guess I can't really expects others to understand in the sense of the loss of a dog meaning  so much!
 It was just the fact that she meant so very much to me the fact that he honestly was one of gods greatest gifts to me and his friendship and his loyalty and his love how he loved unconditionally without any limits without any expectations unconditionally he was there he was faithful much like the character of God  yeah he wasn't perfect but he definitely had so many gifts and his little personality and his precious peasants I would say I meant everything each day I'm reminded of how very special he was in each day honestly I think I missed him a little more!  Right now I can't even imagine going home to visit my family and he not be there but thought of it even as I write this breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes I know it's going to be a healing process but I'm not really sure how to do this healing or grieving the only thing I know to do is just talk to the Lord about it which I know is really good but even though it seems so silly  I just feel so sad and so alone in the whole situation I know it's probably the enemy trying to speak lies or make me believe things that aren't true but what I do know is that my heart hurts what I do know is I feel alone what I do know is I'm just not sure? So I will do what I know to do I will pray I will read my word I will  worship! And I guess I will just take it day by day moment by moment just like I'm going to do with the whole learning how to be an leader or  administrator or supervisor I will trust in the Lord to teach me to mold me into shape me I'm thankful that he hasn't given up on me and sees my beginning from my end  he has each of my days planned perfectly and for that I am thankful!

 So as I sit here sipping on my last few sips of my milkshake drying my tears I commit to taking it day by day moment by moment I don't want to ever miss out on an opportunity or time the Lord is trying to teach me something I think it's OK walking away with the heart that's so kind of hurts but knowing that the Lord is going to take care of it !

 I may not always get what the Lord is doing or understand it but I'm sure when I look back on this I will see how the Lord has grown me from this point how is help me to see new perspectives to see situations a new way  I'm sure that the Lord will have brought me so far and healing and making me a better leader and helping me to be a better friend and helping me to be a better daughter and a bettee sister  and helping me to be a better follower of Christ I surely do need his help that is for sure! So today I say Lord take all this but is not my burden to carry or to hold or to grasp so tightly but to say Lord take it use in my life to bring me closer to you for there's nothing in this life I want more than to know you Lord Jesus so may you be my all take it I release!

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